This is what 6 years of infertility looks like:
- no more pregnancy tests around the house
- no charts or calendars tracking my cycle. In fact, I don't even mentally keep track of when my last cycle was, anymore. It just comes and goes, always. Ever reliable.
- no apps on my phone for tracking ovulation
- no more crying myself to sleep at night, or any crying at all. (Except during sad parts of movies, I'm such a sap.)
- no closet full of the most adorable baby stuff I just couldn't resist buying for "when it does happen."
- no trips to the RE
- no longer trying to conceive
- no talks about baby names with a significant other
- no talks with my best friends about raising babies together/ at the same time.
- no scheduled, monotonous or boring sex
- no more feelings of inadequacy with myself or with my contribution to relationships
- genuine happiness for others when they have good baby news
- a community of IF ladies, strong and kind, around me
- an amazing group of girlfriends who have children, who allow me to continue being a part of their lives, even in those tricky moments of being fertile with an infertile friend.
- a happy and healthy relationship
- long term goals that relate to having a successful business and a good personal life, instead of those related to marriage and having a family
To most people, 6 years of infertility looks like I've given up. On the contrary; I have more hope, happiness and love in my life than I ever did before. And those dreams of having a family and having a baby are still there.. They are just in the back of my mind, as a possibility, not a requirement I'm placing on myself. Those dreams are dreams of a possible future, way off in the distance. One I'm not worried or anxious about not fulfilling.
It might look like giving up to others... but it feels like contentment to me. What does infertility look like to you?