Sometimes, I think about marrying again and it terrifies me. I'm not afraid of marriage itself, I think it's a wonderful thing if you're with the right person. I'm not even afraid of getting hurt again. The idea of remarrying terrifies me because I am afraid that I wouldn't be a good wife.
In the years since my divorce, I've come to realize that I wasn't a great wife the first time. Sure, I worked hard and went to school. I was generally respectful and sweet. I was slow to anger and quick to trust. But I was incredibly selfish. I always put my needs, my wants and my happiness above those of my husband's and above those of us as a couple/ singular unit. I was spoiled and indulgent. If I was unhappy with something he did or said, I expected that he fix it. I wanted to be served but never took the time out of my day to serve him. I always did what made me happy because my happiness was the most important thing to me.
And most days, it still is. I'm worried that I wouldn't be a good wife in the future because of how selfish I am. How much I need and how much I want for myself. How I tend to put myself first on most days. Despite having a wonderful boyfriend now who is amazing with showing me acts of service, I still struggle to return those acts. I've always been one to lean on "I love you," to show somebody how I feel, instead of just showing them through my actions.
Being a selfish wife is one of my biggest faults in my previous marriage, and it shouldn't have any place in a marriage at all. I've been working on being a little less selfish lately. Waking up earlier to do the dishes and some light cleaning before I leave for work some days, so he comes home to less mess after work. I've been trying to show more patience when I'm upset and stay silent when I know I'm being irrationally emotional, until I've come around to more logical thinking.
Very small steps, but steps no less. Because I don't want to be a selfish person, especially with the ones I love most. They deserve the very best of me, not the worst. I hope that slowly but surely, I'm able to leave my selfishness behind me. Because I'd love to marry the love of my life eventually, and if that happens, I want to be the best wife I can be... Nothing like the selfish wife I was.
Do you recognize any major faults in your character that affect those you love the most? How are you trying to fix those flaws? Have you read any amazing books about being a devoted, serving spouse? I'm looking for a few good reads on the subject.
(About being a serving, selfless wife- I used to misunderstand this concept (serving somebody has such a negative connotation,) thinking that a woman who serves her spouse is weak or subservient. But I'm starting to see that serving the ones you love simply means taking time and energy out of your day to do things that make them happy- as a way of showing them you love them. And really, that sounds like an amazing thing to do.)