Finding Peace

"If a train doesn't stop at your station, then it's not your train."
I'm finding a lot of peace of mind in this quote.
For so long, I've been stuggling with internal conflict.
I've been angry at my body. The dissapointment that my body cannot do what a woman's body is built to do. Why can't I get pregnant? Why can't I have a baby? Don't I deserve a baby? Why are other people blessed beyond measure with children they don't even want or plan for? Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I would be a terrible mother and that's why I can't have kids. Maybe I give myself way too much credit and I don't deserve children as much as I think. I have been blaming myself; feeling completely betrayed by my body. The inadequecy I felt toward myself and with my signicficant other was crushing.
Whenever in a serious relationship (and you live in infertility,) and your significant other talks about their desire to have children, your mind immediately replies "What if I can't give you that?"
When you live with unexplained female infertility, your significant other tries so hard to carefully navagate the emotional minefield that comes with infertility. Reassuring you that even if you can't have children together, he will never leave your side. Unfortunately, there is only so much he can do or say though.
Infertility is a desolate road. It makes you feel alienated. Alone. Undeserving. Even with the most supportive and encouraging spouce beside you, holding your hand and reassuring you, you often feel as though you are experiancing the heartbreak alone. Because it's your body that's broken. Your body that is shattering your dreams.
I've been so angry with myself for that. So angry with my body- for years.
And it's exhausting.
I needed a change. I needed something to give me hope. I needed to find peace with my diagnosis. At the reccommendation of a fellow "can't make babies" blogger, I bought an infertility meditation. I started listening to these calming words, these affirmations of love. I never knew the voice of a complete stranger could be so calming. There are four chapters in the meditation, one for visulizing fertility, another has affirmations of love, the third is a generalized destresser and the fourth one is specifically aimed towards healing your heart after failed attempts at having a child.
I skip over chapter one every time. I'm currently past that part of my journey along the road of infertilty. Maybe one day I'll use it, one day it'll bring me hope and happiness in visualizing pregnancy. But for now I listen to the last three chapters. Specifically chapter four. Healing.
Folks, I cannot tell you how many tears have been shed listening to this chapter. Being led to understand that my body is my oldest friend. It has done SO much for me. My body is my longest companion. We've been through so much together. And we will continue through a lifetime together.
It also speaks of validating your emotions. Coming to terms with all of your disspointment, anger, and frustration. Understanding that those emotions are okay. They are a part of your journey. That you should not discount them or allow other people to discount them. They need to be proccessed in order to be cast away. At one point during the meditation, it talks about feeling the prescence of an old friend or family member. A reassuring hand on your shoulder, silent, feeling everything you feel and not needing to say anything. Every time I feel the same person. My grandmother. I can feel her love. I can feel her strength. And I can feel her silence. It brings me so much comfort to feel that. I haven't felt her prescence since she passed eleven years ago. But I now know that if she were here, she would be that person for me. The one who didn't try to make me feel better. The one who didn't discount my emotions or the gravity of my condition. She would be the one who held me and let me cry. And I am so thankful to have found peace in some small way because of that.
"If a train doesn't stop at your station, then it's not your train."
Maybe all those people on the sidelines were right when they said it wasn't meant to be or it wasn't with the right person when I couldn't get pregnant before. That it'll happen eventually, one day, in God's timing. Or maybe they were all wrong. Maybe being a mother in that form isn't what I'm meant to do. Maybe God didn't intend that for me. Perhaps he's using this experiance to build me up, to make me stronger for a road much less traveled... I haven't figured it out yet. And that's okay. For now I'm at peace. It may only last a day, or a week, or a month, but I am finally at peace. My train will come eventually. And maybe it includes having a baby of my own. Or maybe it doesn't; but I know that whereever it takes me, it'll be wonderful. Because it'll be my journey.
The Help with Fertility Meditation was reccommended by Mara at A Blog About Love.