National Infertility Awareness week just ended and I thought about posting all week, but the truth is, I wasn't sure what I wanted to say. So here I am, word-vomiting it now that the week is over because I realized there isn't a right way to say all of these things...
Infertility- 9 Years Later- My Story- National Infertility Awareness Week
Of all my childhood friends, I was the first one to get married (at 19) and to try to have a baby. I am now the only one of that group who doesn't have children (at 28.)
The closer I get to 30, the more permanent my infertility feels.
I'll turn 29 this year. I've been with my current partner 5 years but we don't plan or talk much about marriage/kids, we are not TCC or preventing. Its a weird middle ground to be on. Because I haven't made plans like marriage/kids in the last 7 or so years, I've learned how to live with my infertility instead of fighting it. I've found other things that make me excited about life, I've worked towards other goals, found hobbies, and become ambitious about other things. There was a time when my biggest goal in life was to be a good mother and wife and have a happy family. Now I've created my own sense of self outside of that dream. Sometimes I want to adopt so badly and I just imagine how great I would be as a mum. But most of the time, I'm thinking about other versions of myself I've become in the 9 years of infertility. I dream about travel, helping other women life their best lives, being totally amazing at yoga, having a kitten and a bunny, getting my masters degree, all these other goals and ideas I've created since my diagnosis.
But I don't want to discount the unbearable emotional pain I went through for years during/after my diagnosis process. (You can still read old blog posts from when I was going through that time and some of them hurt me to read, knowing just how deep in all the sadness and despair I was back then.) It took years, so much self-development, meditation, self-love, and therapy to get here. I was clinically depressed for years and I fought so hard to get out of that.
The childhood friends I once had have come and gone. Most of the ones from my teen years have as well. I ended relationships with people from my past who didn't align with the new person I became or if their presence in my life made me feel worse because they were irresponsible or ungrateful parents (ie things that made me feel worse about the fact that I couldn't have a baby yet some how they could.)
Since my diagnosis, I've surrounded myself with life-giving people. People who are incredible humans doing awesome things, who I think deserve everything in the world they could ever desire. Now so many people in my close personal life are having babies and I am overwhelmed with pure joy for them and for me; for all the baby cuddles my life will soon include.
Yet, when I look at people I don't know having children, (or those people from my youth who I am no longer close to because we have totally different lifestyles and personalities now,) I can still find myself still being very judgmental and emotionally charged about how they get to have babies and I don't.
This life is so messy. I am a human full of contradictions and plans and nothing makes sense or happens the way I planned it to. In fact I still can't figure out why I keep making plans when nothing works out the way I intend lol.
"I am a human full of contradictions and plans and nothing makes sense or happens the way I planned it to."
I was going to get married at 24. I was going to have my first baby that year too. I was going to be an amazing work-from-home mama who some how also home schooled and hand made her baby's organic food at home. I was going to have my degree and some how also being a successful career women while all this was going on. I was going to be happy. I was going to have an amazing marriage and feel so in love with my husband and my babies and my life.
Well none of that happened. And when none of those things happened, I made other plans and worked really hard to make those new dreams come true. Many of those new dreams and ideas also didn't happen.
What did happen, was I changed. I became kinder. I became more ambitious and saw my potential for positive impact on the world grow. I became a much better friend. I went to college, dropped out of college, went back to college, and will be graduating in just a week and a half. I started scrapbooking and art journaling and meeting amazing women online who were also kind and had the same hobbies as me. I became closer with a couple of in real life friends and learned how to be truly vulnerable with them, and how to be a really good friend to others (which I wasn't in my youth.) I learned how to be the kind of woman I want to be (though I am always a work in progress.)
My whole life changed when I spent years not being able to get pregnant. And my whole life changed again when I started accepting that instead of fighting it and hating it.